Braised Cooks with Meme Sauce


So you know when you’re sitting at a restaurant and you realize your food has been under the heat lamp for like 20 minutes? Everyone else’s dish looks nice and fresh but you’re stuck with this dried up steak approaching well done? That’s what this blog post is about to be… and funny enough… that’s kinda how I feel about cooks.

Folks are just cracking their boxes open. There is a little bit of excitement out there. But let’s get real – These cards were written and tested last summer. We’ve seen a season change, an errata, and new major guild captains. Don’t forget Miners. Cooks were even served a pre-release nerf with Tenderizer’s change. It feels like cooks are debuting into a crowd they weren’t prepared to face. Everything’s all fast, goal leaning, and vegan.

But let’s jump into it shall we? Let’s stay positive. If there are any tasty morsels here I’ll find um. And yes, this post is going to be 75% puns and Gordan Ramsay memes. The other 25% is the ramblings of a mad man.

Guild Rule: Intimidation

guild rule

inti chart

That’s probably the only valuable #Lontent in this article. Intimidation is reasonably equivalent to Tac^1.16. Don’t worry. I can’t do that math either. Basically Tac 4 models are about Tac 5. Tac 5 models are kinda like Tac 6.5. Tac 6 models are basically Tac 8.

Intimidation has a neat skewing effect too where the bottoms of the playbooks get super consistent and the tops are a bit harder (if not impossible) to reach. They’re kinda like navigator rerolls in this way except for the fact the cooks actually have momentum at the bottom of their books. You’re basically going to want to assume the first 3 columns of any of these books are perfectly reasonable on most attacks. That’s nothing to laugh at.




Seems useful to me to look at Wellington first here. As is usually the case the captain dictates the overall game plan for the team.

There first thing that struck me about the boss man here is his 1” reach and KD on 4 seems especially vulnerable to counter attacks. His KD is only 13.2% on a normal attack vs a 4+/1. Yuck. A 9” threat is pretty average too. He is going to have to charge anyone with a 2” disengage or even a 1” disengage if he can’t base um. 2 influence for a non-momentous KD is sad days. It’s even sadder than when ox has to do it. So this leads me to believe wellington should be treated as more of an early activation support captain more than a personal damage dealer. Let him get in there and throw up a singled out, maybe a chef’s special. Scathing rebuke someone who is out of position or maybe KD’d from last turn. Essentially we want to set up for our squaddies to do the hurting.


I do believe legendary turn might be a little different though, which is again very ox like. Even if you have to spend 3 inf on charge KD singled out You’re getting 3 pretty juicy attacks at the end of it. Against a 4+/1 you’re looking at 12 damage. Don’t forgo the singled out for the extra attack though, you’d still be looking at 12 damage regardless. 12 damage kills a lot of models. You can also hit a few 3 damage push dodges in there to bring the target back to your team a little. It’s worth noting a single gang up can really skyrocket Wellington. 8 dice puts you in reliable wrap territory which nets you 6 damage swings. 18 damage kills most things in Guild Ball so using scathing rebuke to get a free crowd is pretty tempting on legendary turn.

So I am thinking you kind of play Wellington like a poor man’s Ox. Issue is to get the most out of him he really needs to be up in there for a singled out. I am worried a 4+/1 15hp model with no defensive tech is a lot more vulnerable up front than old Ox hanging back giving out free auras and chucking out 6” character plays.




So there is a reason folks aren’t playing Salt right now. He just doesn’t add a whole lot to the team. Yeah she is fast and can give you some crowd outs, nullify a furious model here and there, but that’s about it. Pepper strikes me as basically the same. Pepper doesn’t have loved creature though. So for him being up in the mix he is much easier to punish than Salt or Princess. Less HP too.

pep meme

But he goes where he needs to go. He kinda makes Spice a pseudo Tac 6 model which is pretty ok. He’ll bite the crap out of you if you walk away from him. He’s wrapping into 5 damage on a 4+/1 57%!




First of all – I don’t exactly understand cinnamon’s role in the kitchen. She’s got the paddle for the wood fired oven but her outfit really looks more like a hostess. Maybe it’s like one of those pizzerias where the dining room can see the oven so she needs to look presentable? Then again those things tend to put out a lot of smoke, I’m not so sure that’s gonna be tasty with sweet treats. Maybe it’s a British thing? IDK.

Cinnamon is obviously amazing. She certainly opens up a lot of models on the butchers. That TAC 4 is suuuuper deceptive as well. Against a 4+/1 she’s actually comparable to a TAC 7 model on base swings. She’ll mess your world up. Honestly it is a little sad they capped her off at max 3 influence. Her mobility and 2” reach could have made her a fantastic beater.

But I guess the point is to assist the team in being faster with BAKE! It’s an extremely valuable trait and helps the cooks attempt to out threaten the opposition. Opponents always need to respect abilities like this, even before they’re active, by just staying back a little further than otherwise.

She’s also a super reasonable goal threat in her own right. 17” with 3 dice is nothing to laugh at in what’s framed as a beater team. If she starts with the free character play she’s up to 19”. Not too shabby

Cinnamon goes to show you can make a really cool card without needing to bleed ink all over the dang thing. She strikes me as pretty good at everything and extremely hard to drop from your list.




Yeah the other cross over has already been making waves in Butchers for a bit. He might actually be one of my favorite new Guild Ball model designs in some time. He really pushes the envelope in a lot of neat ways. His move stat is wacky, his playbook and TAC are fantastic, and he actually has reasonable interesting defensive tech for a 2+/0. Some damaging models simply can’t deal with him.

It feels like he is another one who is perhaps hard to drop. His great offensive capacity makes him a prime target for Wellington and other buffs. And look, it is really important for 1” melee models to have options to stop a counter attack and he’s basically the only one who can do it. I don’t know that Roast brings quite as much to his own team as he does the Butchers. Really it’s just him and Spice who get the output. He can turn her on pretty hard.

He’s a fantastic model just feels odd to me SFG chose the stronger of the bunch to cross over into butchers. Can you imagine if Azimuth crossed over into a Corsair team? Heck even Ebb would probably be pretty insane. Maybe that’s why cooks fall flat for me personally? You can roll the cool stuff in an even stronger guild.




You can’t play Spice in butchers so let’s muse on her for a sec. She’s supposed to be the big pay out model so let’s see if that’s worth it.

Again 2” reach and reasonably mobile. 10” threat is above average. She’s very influence efficient and even brings her own crowd out. 6 dice with intimidation is easily hitting the intensify if she wants it and it is super nice that she can even start her own fire. Unfortunately the fire does not proc Berserk. So if she is setting herself up she’s losing out on some of her efficiency. She also really does not want to charge if she can help it, at least without a roast buff. Thankfully, in addition to her own natural 8” threat, she has a lot of options to extend her distance even further.

Spice is basically the OGutter of this team. You should be actively looking to set her up to maximize as much intensify damage as possible. Sadly Chef’s special is damage results only. If it had been damage results and character plays that would have been pretty dope.

On the other side of that coin she’s one of the easier models to kill as well. If the opponent can get a key take out on Spice they’ll probably turn the tide in their favor. So just make sure you protect her and let her scream on in late in the turn. Maybe even try to keep her unexposed all together until a scrum forms. If you win it’s going to be because Spice did something insane.




Most people are either Bakers or Cooks. The reason for this is because Cooking is… usually more freeform. If you understand some basics when it comes to flavor profiles you can usually improvise and make some very tasty stuff. Short an ingredient? No problem. Substitute something or just don’t worry about it. Baking on the other hand, you can’t really do that when you bake. Baking is… essentially chemistry.

So hear me out here. Sugar failed out of school. She should have been an alchemist.


Don’t get me wrong. I like Sugar a lot. I just don’t know that she makes the list. Icing is super cute but is that what we really want to be aiming for as a Cook player? Wouldn’t we rather be stabbing stuff? 10” is 2” in front of the center line btw. I don’t think a fragile punching guild wants to be across that line early. If you aren’t in it for the snapshot potential you leave her at home, and I don’t even think a 5/10” snap shot turret is even something you aim for in a team like this.

Maybe I miss the point though. Maybe that truly is the Icing. Take Sugar for beat um up reasons? She’s got good momentous results and max 4 influence. Tac 4 hurts a little bit there when Roast and Spice are around, but sturdy is certainly a thing. Sadly she’s got the weakness of not being able to deal with counter attacks literally at all. Even worse than Wellington. Just seems to me like Roast, Spice, Shank, Heck even Cinnamon punch things better than Sugar. Like dang, she has a big ass cast iron pan, can she not get a low KD? Like if she had a KD on 2 I think I’d bite.

Sorry Shug. Maybe you worked for Smoke/Midas I’d be interested.


What dat hat do?

hat bois

So what do these hat bois have to bring to the cooks?

First I think Shank is just a great squaddie. You’d be happy to have him wherever. 2” reach, highly mobile, very consistent damage. Wellington gives him a free 3 cost character play which is pretty nuts as well. You could also load him up with the various buffs like speed, damage, and discounted charge. You’ve got yourself a nice little missile going. Shank, Spice, and Roast make a pretty solid output trio.

As far as Tenderizer is concerned his Nerf might have seen him ousted from Butcher line ups but I still think he has a pretty solid home with the Cooks. I feel like he covers a lot of their weaknesses with his solid KD and double push. 2” reach Tac 6 is pretty reasonable and hey, who doesn’t want a free ground pound? It’s a lot harder to counter attack when they’re on their butt.


Final thoughts:

They are cool and have a very interesting play style. Maybe they’re your casual night for fun guild. The aesthetic is **chef’s kiss** as well. MVP Goal Token. If I pick um up I am going to mod it slightly to be a Kamado grill.

I hope we found a few chicken nuggets of wisdom in here. As far as the Cook’s competitive hopes – I just really don’t see a compelling reason to take them over Butchers right now. Maybe they’re a little better versus fast, high def, scoring teams? That’s about all I got. But even then Fillet can cover those matches pretty well. Seems the most fun toys cross over. So unless you really wanna blow stuff up with big spice activations stick with Boar and crew? It’s like Cooks is the new joint in town. They’ve got hipster toppings on their burgers and wacky crap on the walls. You’ll try it, but at the end of the day you’re really just going to wish you had hit up your local mainstay.

As stated in the beginning it really feels like Cooks would have been very viable in a Season 3.4 world. But in Season 4.1 when you’ve got your Shafts, Corbellis, and Rivets to think about? Feels like we’re short staffed during a Saturday night dinner rush.

Too Late


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s